I can't wrap my brain around it. The matter of Time. Where is it going and why is it moving so fast? I was going to have so much done by June 1st. I was going to have the carpets cleaned, the oil changed, an office set up in the basement, an organized garage, winter clothes packed away, flowers planted, (maybe an herb garden -- who am I kidding?) and be down a solid ten pounds for summer wear. Instead, the closets are stuffed with ski jackets and boots, the loser cruiser is chugging along smelling faintly of burnt oil, I have no office in the basement, the garage is still a scary, dark place, carpets are scary, too, the only flowers I'm growing are of the weed variety and ten pounds lost? HARDLY!
I can blame the spring. It's been lousy. A day of sunshine here and there and then rain, lots of it, constant. My bones ache from the dampness. I can blame it on over scheduling myself. But the truth is there are days when I'm wrapped up in an electric blanket like a burrito watching a marathon session of Top Chef and eating cereal for lunch and petting the dog with my foot.
Partly, I'm in denial that school will let out soon and there will be no respite from taking care of Sean. Long days with lots of questions, the same questions, that can be repeated all day long.
"Who has birthdays in January?"
"Does Verle know Miss Becky?"
"Can you make a lower case F? Now a lower case G."
"How do you spell Easter?"
"How do you spell macaroni and cheese?"
"Why do people sneeze?"
"Talk to me, Mommy."
I am trying to be zen-like, be in the moment and not to over-think it. To try to let go of my irritation and stress and to just be. Easier said than done.
There are no play-dates for Sean. No "run up to the park and see what the kids are doing." He can't navigate in that world. He is just so different from his typical peers and in some small ways he knows it. That's the heartbreaking part. I don't think he wants his best friend to be a slightly exhausted and crabby 41 year old lady with bad posture but that's all he has right now, me. And I am going to try harder to remember that -- when I've spelled Blue Heeler for the fiftieth time or shadowed him in the yard most of the day to make sure he doesn't run after a car -- I am all he has some days.
Two weeks left and then my boys are home. Hopefully in that time I can at least set up an office downstairs and get the oil changed in the car. At the very least, I can plant some flowers -- the idea of something growing and blooming always gives me some hope. And we all need hope.
9 months ago