I took the dog for a walk this morning. The weather was dull - A slight drizzle and the sky quilted gray but the air temperature warming. I was searching for signs of spring, tired from the confinement of winter.
As my feet sloshed along I saw signs. Crocus and tulips trying to muscle their way through the cold and damp ground, the trees budding with silver fuzz ribboning around branches and the smell of earth and mud warming and mingling with the wet sky. I tried to take it all in and let it thaw my tired joints and aching heart.
My dad called and asked how Sean is doing. I really don't want to talk about it. I'm not even sure why. I just say the same thing that I say to anyone that asks me, "He's okay. Some good moments and some not so good moments." I just don't want to get into it all. I am tired. I feel bleak. I am finding it hard to hold onto hope and the winter gives me little purpose or reason to do so.
I need sunshine. I need to see the mountains to the east, the strong shoulders of rock and earth scraping a blue sky. The weather echoes my own feelings, gray and lost and murky.
Sean is trying hard to maintain his moods. It's as if his moods are carnival roller coaster rides, highs and lows, fast and sudden stops -- moments that can be thrilling and moments that can be frightening. It's a lot for a ten year old boy.
I'll leave on a good moment. The morning time. Sean creeps into our room, his hair cut short and ruffled on top. His face is more boyish, his cheeks ruddy and his smile is large and messy with teeth missing and teeth growing partly in.
"Hi Mommy," he says crawling next to me, his skin smells like apricot oil and his hair is soft on my chin. I squeeze him, hold him tight and kiss his messy hair. He is my valentine this morning. A sweet boy filled with love and a need to belong and I am the lucky one to find him first.
10 months ago